


Bufflight

by uhlemi11



Category: Buffy the Vampire Slayer (TV)
Genre: Crossover, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-30
Updated: 2019-12-30
Packaged: 2021-02-27 16:28:31
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,943
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22040074
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/uhlemi11/pseuds/uhlemi11
Summary: Stephanie Myers Twilight series is wreaking havoc on the residents of Sunnydale. Can Buffy save the day?





	Bufflight

**Author's Note:**

> This is a work I wrote awhile ago but it is my first time posting. It was written at the height of the Twilight craze. It is a crossover piece but I did not tag it in Twilight because it is a pro-BTVS piece and a Twilight spoof. If you are a fan of Twilight you may be offended. (unless you have a good sense of humor!) It is helpful to know some things about the Twilight series though or you may find it confusing. Thanks for reading!  
> If you enjoy my work check out my author website- emilyuhlig.com

Stephanie Meyer is riding around on her bike, with a witch’s hat  
She sees Bella walking like a normal girl, laughing, and singing lalala,  
She snaps her fingers, points magic wand at Bella, "kapoof!"   
Bella falls over.  
Edward runs over to help her up and almost bites her neck, but before he can Stephanie points her wand at him, and poof, his fangs fall out and he is covered in glitter.  
Stephanie goes home and writes:  
"Dear Diary, today I performed a lot of spells on people, and vampires, It was fun. I’d like to write a story about them.” She scribbles furiously  
later, “What do you think I should call it? What?” Bends down, puts ear to diary, “Oh, good idea.”  
"Twilight," she writes.

Stephanie goes around house to house ringing doorbells holding her book, they all slam shut. "I need a new spell," she says.  
Later, in the woods around a churning cauldron,  
Stephanie:“Double, Bubble, doily trouble, Everyone in America will wake up tomorrow and think that Twilight is the best book ever written!” Boom Crash, Thunder.

Part 2   
Bella is trying to run away from mob.  
Mob: Ohmygod, it’s Bella, ohmygod, Twilight!  
She trips every other step.   
Bella: Oh, I hate being famous!  
She runs, trips, gets up, runs past sign that says ‘Sunnydale- former home of Buffy the Vampire Slayer, RIP’. Bella runs in.  
Edward and his hot sister follow her. They can be seen lurking in the trees.

Xander runs into Edward's sister later.   
Xander: Whoa! You look hot in town, I mean, new in town!  
Edward is watching him mysteriously from the shadows, Xander shrieks and runs away.

Later, at school.  
Edward is new at Sunnydale high, he watches Xander.  
Xander: That Edward thinks he so hot, just cuz everyone thinks he’s hot, like we should all be impressed because his skin glows in the sun,”  
Edward: Hey Xander.  
Xander: Huh! He knows my name!  
Hiiiiii, will you ask your sister out for me?  
Edward: Oh, I don’t know, She might be too old for you  
Xander: ohh, I’m older than you think.  
Edward: that’s what I was going to say!  
Xander: How old are you?  
Edward: 17  
Xander: 17?  
Edward: But I’ve been that old for awhile...  
Xander: Oh me too, I’m 25...  
Edward: 25? wow, and you’re still in high school?  
Xander: Eleven years and counting  
Edward: Oh, wow, that is longer than me, okay then.

Scene Edward and sister’s house

Xander rings the doorbell, while he is waiting for Edward’s hot sister to come out he finds some disturbing things on the front porch, a magazine subscription to Emo Vampires Weekly and some drawings of Buffy and Bella sleeping.  
Xander: Wait a minute...I know these girls, that one’s Buffy, my best friend before she died and that’s that famous girl- with the tipsy topsy disease, why has he got a picture of them sleeping?  
Edward is out glistening in the sun when Xander arrives, three miles away. He hears Xander’s mutterings and comes running over to swoop down on top of him in only three seconds.  
Edward: Actually it was a gift from Angel, he read about me and was inspired, he really wanted to creep out Buffy big time.  
Xander: And this girl? he holds up picture of Bella  
Edward: Oh, yeah, that one’s mine.  
Xander: And the magazine, is that yours?  
Edward: Oh, you weren’t supposed to see that!  
Xander: But, but, you cant be a vampire- I saw you, you were in the sun.  
Edward: I know, wasn’t I hot?  
Xander: So, you’re saying you’re hot because you’re a vampire? Ohh, that makes non sense, non sense makes my brain hurt. Ohh, I need Buffy!  
Edward: Wait- the vampire slayer? No, we don’t need her.  
Xander: Oh yeah? I’m going to summon her from the dead.  
Stephanie Meyer appears in Edward’s ear, she is speaking to him from miles away.  
Stephanie: Edward, stop him!  
Edward: You know, you should be scared of me, I’m dangerous.  
Edward reaches out to stop Xander but Xander pulls his hair.  
Edward: Ow, oh gosh, let go, please, ow, ow!  
Xander runs off, Edward is hunched over on the porch saying ow.

Xander runs to get Willow. On the way there Stephanie gets worried so she sends her bad book demons to “take care” of Xander. Bad Book demons look like giant books with legs that walk around and spew out things written in them like “he was interesting and brilliant and mysterious and perfect and beautiful and possibly able to lift full sized vans with one hand.” and “his voice was like melting honey,” and “it was hard to believe that someone so beautiful could be real,” and “ohmygod, drool, drool Now!”  
Xander was drooling, his run had slowed to a stumble, he couldn’t remember where he was, or why he was there, he went to sleep with the book demons dancing and chanting around him. Edward comes to watch him sleep.  
When he wakes up it‘s dark.  
Xander: Wow, that was a good dream, I dreamed Edward was watching me sleep, he’s so dreamy.  
Xander spots Edward lurking in the trees. Xander screams and runs away.  
Edward(yelling after him) : You’re scared of me because you don't want to admit how you really feel about me! You should be scared of me, mumble, I keep telling everyone that and they never listen,

Xander is running off in direction of the magic shop where Willow is. They are selling Twilight books in the window, Xander buys them all, and a T shirt with Edward’s face on it, and a Twilight bagel.  
He walks over to Willow wearing the shirt, already on the last book, eating the bagel.  
Xander: Wow, you guys gotta read this.  
Willow: Uh Xander? Are you reading Twilight?  
Xander: It’s Breaking Dawn!  
Xander spits out a bit of bagel at her.  
Willow: oh, sorry, uh, why?  
Xander: Because master, I mean Edward, is hot!  
Willow: Master? Why did you call him master? gasp, Is Edward a vampire?  
Xander: The vampire.  
Willow: Oh no, I wish Buffy was here to help us.  
There’s a picture of Anya on the wall, “Done” it says.

Buffy stumbles in like a zombie.  
Buffy: Guys? What’s going on?  
Willow: Buffy? Runs over and hugs Buffy, I’m so glad you’re here, you hafta kill Edward, he’s a vampire and he’s taking control of Xander.  
Buffy: What? What are you talking about. I don’t even know who Edward is.  
Willow: Edward, from Twilight, we thought he was just a giant disco ball but we were wrong, very wrong, he’s a vampire and he’s dangerous, just like he’s been telling us all along, he’s taken control of Xander!  
Buffy: What’s twilight?  
Xander gasps.  
Willow: What? Have you been dead?  
Buffy: Yes.  
Willow runs over to Xander and grabs the book and brings it to Buffy, she opens it in front of her eyes.  
Buffy: What? I don’t want this! I was in Heaven, and you pulled me out for this?  
She lays her head on the table and cries.  
Stephanie descends on them and begins reciting a spell.  
Stephanie: Double Double toil, trouble, heard my word, Twilight is da bomb light,  
Buffy kicks out her foot and kicks her down.  
Stephanie: ahhhh!  
Buffy: What’s going on?  
Stephanie: (moaning from the ground) ohhhh, Edward’s beautiful! His skin matches the color of my love! His chiseled perfection of incandescent waves harps doves singing!  
Buffy: This Edward thing- can I kill it?  
Xander: No!  
looks horrified, clutches Edward shirt to chest.  
Willow: He is a vampire  
Buffy: Good, where is it?  
Stephanie: No one can kill Edward! He is a radiant beam of sparklyness!  
Buffy: What is she talking about?  
Willow: Radiant beams of sparklyness? Maybe we’ll need these,  
she pops out two pairs of sunglasses  
Buffy: Great, let’s go.

Willow and Buffy go looking for Edward, and a reluctant Xander drags along after them. They look in trash cans, behind trees, in cars. They pass a house with a Swan on the mailbox, and sneak in, upstairs.  
Edward is standing by Bella’s bed watching her sleeping. He is glittery even though it is nighttime and Buffy and Willow need the sunglasses.  
Edward: Oh Bella, I want to eat you, no, no, I wont! Oh I want to eat you so bad.  
Buffy shoots an arrow at him.   
Buffy: meant to miss  
Willow: Get away from her  
Edward: No, it’s not what you think.  
Willow: We both heard you say you wanted to eat her  
Edward: No, I’m a vegetarian  
Willow: Why are you watching her sleep then?  
Edward: I’m watching to make sure she doesn’t fall out of bed, she has tipsy topsy disease.  
Xander: Oh yeah, I read about that. He’s right Buffy, no harm here, we should just leave, no, we shouldn’t leave, we should stay here and watch Edward watch Bella sleep.  
Buffy gives him incredulous look.  
Xander: (crying) I’m a man, I have needs.  
Buffy: Willow, get Xander out of here.  
Willow gets Xander out of there.  
Edward: You know, I should warn you, I’m very dangerous.  
Buffy: Oh yeah, yeah, I know  
They fight

Xander and Willow are outside.  
Xander: But you cant kill Edward, he’s so hot, the world will become a cold place.  
Willow: Edward’s not that hot.  
Xander: Shhhh! He can hear you!  
Willow: He’s all the way inside, how can he hear me?  
Xander: (dreamily) Because he’s Edward.  
Indeed at that very moment Edward does hear and becomes very distraught and distracted.  
Edward: What, no, I AM hot,  
he is so distracted he does not notice Buffy stake him.  
As Edward is dying he chants,   
Edward: I am hot, I am, I am , I am,  
until he is dust. Willow and Xander rush back in.  
Bella wakes up  
Bella: Edward?  
Buffy: He’s gone.  
Bella: Oh thank God, he was really creeping me out.  
Stephanie flies in on her broomstick,   
Stephanie: Edward, Edward!  
Willow: You’re too late, Edward is dead.  
Xander: Shriek  
Stephanie: Noo! Without Edward my books are nothing! Nothing! You have destroyed everything!  
She points her wand at Buffy,  
Stephanie: Herezy, therezy, by the power of wandzy,  
Bella suddenly falls out of the bed due to her disease and lands on top of Stephanie Meyer squishing her to death.  
Xander comes out of his trance,   
Xander: Who was hot, what? I don’t remember.  
Spots Bella on the floor,   
Xander: heyyy, how you doing?  
Bella smiles back,  
Bella: hi

Later they all are walking around town, Xander and Bella holding hands.  
Willow: So we have saved the world again, huh?  
Buffy: Yeah what does that make- seven times?  
Willow: I thought like nine.  
Buffy: Yeah, I’d say the world owes us.  
Xander: You know Buffy, before you managed to get Edward he did eat Riley.  
Buffy and Willow both shrug,   
Buffy and Willow: mehhh  
Xander: ahh man, I was stupid again wasn’t I?  
Buffy and Willow have no comment  
Xander: Why do I always have to be the stupid one? You know, who cares that Edward is so hot, it’s only a book.  
A random passerby hears him,  
Random Person: You’re right, we should make it into a movie!  
Runs off to make movie.  
Buffy, Willow, Bella all stop and glare at Xander, Bella drops his hand.  
Buffy: Nice going Xander!  
Willow: What were you thinking?  
Buffy: Or were you even thinking at all?  
They all walk off, disgusted.  
Xander is left standing alone, clutching his backpack to his chest, looking worried from side to side.  
Xander: You don’t know that, maybe things will be different this time, you don’t know.


End file.
